Some turtle jokes!
Baby Turtle
A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end.
He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch.
On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb.
About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing.
Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds.
Mummy bird turned to Daddy bird and said, “Don’t you think it’s time we told him he was adopted?”
Accident
Two turtles crossing the road hit each other head on and were both knocked unconscious. The policeman who was summoned to investigate the accident tried to find a witness, but only found a snail nearby.
“Did you see the accident?” The officer asked. “Can you tell me what happened?”
“Yes I saw it” replied the snail, “but it all happened so fast!”
The World
An English philosopher was visiting India, and was introduced to a holy man. The philosopher asked the Holy Man the nature of the world, and the old man replied, “Oh the world is a great big ball that sits on the great flat back of the Great World Turtle.”
The Englishman of course asked “What does the turtle stand on?”
The seer replied “Why on the back of an even larger turtle of course!”
Then the Englishman asked “and what does THIS turtle stand on?”
The old man shook his head and sweetly smiled and said “it is no use my son, it is turtles all the way down!”
Snail
What did the snail on the turtles back say?
“WHEEEEEEE!!!”
Flying Turtle
What do you call a turtle that flies?
A shell-icopter
Porcupine
What do you get when you cross a porcupine and a turtle?
A slowpoke
Phone
What kind of phone did the turtle buy?
A Shell Phone!
Turtle Picnic
Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Raymond, decide to go on a picnic. So Joe packs
the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is,
the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get
there. By the time they do arrive, everyone’s exhausted.
Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the
sodas and says, ‘Alright, Steve, gimme the bottle opener.’
‘I didn’t bring the bottle opener,’ Steve says. ‘I thought you packed it.’
Joe gets worried. He turns to Raymond. ‘Raymond, do you have the bottle opener?’
Naturally, Raymond doesn’t have it, so the turtles are stuck ten miles away
from home without soda. Joe & Steve beg Raymond to turn back home and retrieve
it, but Raymond flatly refuses, knowing that they’ll eat everything by the
time he gets back.
After about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Raymond to go, swearing
on their great-grand turtles’ graves that they won’t touch the food.
So, Raymond sets off down the road, slow and steadily. Twenty days pass, but no
Raymond. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise.
Another day passes, and still no Raymond, but a promise is a promise. After
three more days pass without Raymond in sight, Steve starts getting restless.
‘I NEED FOOD!’ he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.
‘NO!’ Joe retorts. ‘We promised.’
Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Raymond probably skipped out to the
diner down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich,
and open their mouths to eat.
But then, right at that instant, Raymond pops out from behind a rock, and says,
‘Just for that, I’m not going.’
Turtle Keeper
Martin was a slow worker and found it difficult to hold down a job. After a visit to the job centre he was offered work at the local Zoo. When he arrived for his first day, the keeper aware of his reputation told him to take care of the tortoise section.
Later, the keeper dropped by to see how Martin was getting on and found him standing by an empty enclosure.
“Where are the tortoises?” he asked him.
“I can’t believe it” said Martin “I just opened the door and then…..Whooooosh!”
Cross the Road
Why did the turtle cross the road?
To get to the shell-station!
Speeding
What did the turtle do on the hiway?
About 150 millimetres an hour!
Legless
Where do you find a turtle with no legs?
Right where you left it!
Turtle Wax
Why is Turtle Wax so expensive?
Because they have tiny ears!
Jewler
What did the Jewler say to the turtle?
Stick your neck out so we can put this necklace on